Home
This Is For Me

> recent entries
> calendar
> friends
> profile
> previous 20 entries

Advertisement

Thursday, September 6th, 2007
12:32 am
I'm really happy these days. Living with Melissa is... correct. It's right, intended, and pure.

It's been a month, and already I can see the way in which we've gently morphed towards each other. I say things she says and vice versa. But it's more.

The way that we as humans recognize change is by noticing something different from what is known. I know who I was. But I listened to some old songs tonight, and they made me see that who I was has changed. And I like who I've become - what we've become.

I've said it before: the past is a dangerous place; at the same time, it's a place we cannot wholly live in and a place we cannot wholly leave. Living in the past keeps us there. Trying to leave our past behind dooms us to repeat it.

But risk is the coin of reward. I used to regard my past as a trap; compelling and safe, its siren song leading to stagnation. But I think that I'm coming to view my past differently. By facing it squarely... by not running from the things that I don't want to remember... by not chasing the carrot of happy memories... my past begins to illuminate my future.

Hi, I'm John - I'll be sharing this Earth with you for just a short while. It seems pretty silly to agonize over the best of times and worst of times when there's so little time at all, and so much to know, to do, and to be.

I think it's high time that I got this life in gear. See you around!

(7 comments | comment on this)

Wednesday, July 18th, 2007
11:40 pm
We're doing alright, you know? It's not all gloom, doom, and cynicism.

It may well be that our path is so dark because every generation must walk through it in order to discover themselves.

A time is soon coming when our generation will have to take on the heavy burden of human history. When that time comes, it would help if we had a passing understanding of who we are and who we intend to become.

(7 comments | comment on this)

Friday, June 8th, 2007
7:59 pm
Someone broke into my apartment today. Nothing was taken, but it's clear that someone was there, and that they escaped out the back of my bedroom into the backyard.

more later.

(3 comments | comment on this)

Thursday, April 12th, 2007
11:41 pm - "The only proof he needed of existence was music."

(comment on this)

8:40 am - Novelist Kurt Vonnegut dies at 84


Kurt Vonnegut was my favorite author.

I had always thought that I would like to meet him someday and it's sad to know that that will never happen now. Before I became certain of my Christianity, I was a solid Humanist. Some of the hardest things about my evolution of faith was the slight rethinking of my Humanism. But all of that notwithstanding, I truly feel that I had to believe in Humans before I could consider them worthy of having a God that actually loves them.

As a race, we still lie, cheat, steal, and murder as much as we always have. I've often thought that a race like that didn't deserve to have a God or an afterlife. But reading Kurt Vonnegut's books helped me to believe that our race can be beautiful and noble. It had nothing to do with his characters or his stories as much as it had to do with Mr. Vonnegut. Knowing what he's gone through, he should have ended up with a heart filled with hate; but what shines clear through the words that he wrote is hope.

In his honor, I will try my best to ensure that the dark forbodings in his books never come to pass. I will work towards a world in which the epitaph "Everything was beautiful, and nothing hurt" is simple truth, not satire.

(1 comment | comment on this)

Saturday, March 24th, 2007
3:07 am - Do you even listen to yourself? No, that would break the illusion.
Dissecting my complex friendship with Jim via deep analysis of some of our most meaningul conversations:

jruiz: "please. i write code in my sleep. I was probably sleeping while writing that code."
emthane: "I write lunatic manifestos in my sleep. It's a good time."
jruiz: "your FACE is a lunatic manifesto!"
emthane: "Rarely is a truth like that uttered"

---

jruiz: "I have a belly button!"
emthane: "I truly, deeply disbelieve you."

Now it all makes sense: RED SAUCE ON PASTA! *boot*

(6 comments | comment on this)

Wednesday, February 21st, 2007
12:39 am - Grendel
In the hall they were laughing. Men and women stood talking in the light of the meadhall door and on the narrow streets below; on the lower hillside boys and girls play near the sheep pens, shyly holding hands.

I made myself move more slowly. Then, circling the clearing, I stepped on something fleshy, and jerked away. It was a man. They’d cut his throat. His clothes had been stolen. I stared up at the hall, baffled, beginning to shake. They went on talking softly, touching hands, their hair full of light. I lifted up the body and slung it across my shoulder.

Then the harp began to play. The crowd grew still.

The harp sighed, the old man sang, as sweet-voiced as a child.

The harp turned solemn. He told of an ancient feud between two brothers which split all the world between darkness and light. And I, Grendel, was the dark side, he said in effect. The terrible race God cursed.

I believed him. Such was the power of the Shaper’s harp! I stood wriggling my face, letting tears down my nose, grinding my fists into my streaming eyes, even thought to do it I had to squeeze with my elbow the corpse of the proof that both of us were cursed, or neither, that the brothers had never lived, not the god who judged them. “Waaa!” I bawled.

Oh what a conversion!

I ran to the center of the forest and fell down panting. My mind was wild. “Pity,” I moaned, “O pity! pity!” I wept – strong monster with teeth like a shark’s – and I slammed the earth with such force that a seam split open twelve feet long. I roared!

They were doomed, I knew, and I was glad. No denying it. Let them wander the fogroads of Hell.

(comment on this)

Thursday, February 15th, 2007
12:26 am - Happy Valentine's Day
It's likely that tomorrow, I'll regret posting this.

Nonetheless, I want to tell you about this one phrase that has been running through my mind since I picked Kelly up tonight for dinner at Ruth's Chris...

"And suddenly, every love song I've ever heard... finally stopped sounding ridiculous and far-fetched... and started making sense."

(4 comments | comment on this)

Friday, January 26th, 2007
1:21 am - You knock my socks off...

So she took her love
for to gaze a while
upon the fields of barley

in his arms she fell
as her hair came down
among the fields of gold

will you stay with me
will you be my love
among the fields of barley

you'll forget the sun
in its jealous sky
as we lie in fields of gold.

(2 comments | comment on this)

Tuesday, December 26th, 2006
4:56 pm - I Got a New Toy for Christmas
I got a webcam for my parents and one for myself so that we can all talk and see each other.

Here's the first still off the webcam, for your viewing pleasure.


yes, sometimes I am a mean person

(8 comments | comment on this)

Thursday, December 21st, 2006
1:14 am - Try this!
http://www.jamglue.com

(comment on this)

Wednesday, December 20th, 2006
12:28 pm - I am paralized with it
I'm afraid of the next big thing.
This boat in the middle of the
lack of anything time-withstanding
has become my cherished nothing.

Time was a wind that once skipped
carefree in its secret purposes
innocently tugging me forward
in the currents of possibility

in the middle of stagnant water,
the heavy white fog caresses me
like a cold hand from the grave:
entirely elapsed by tomorrow

There on my boat I paint pictures
with the murky paint of emotions
poised between loneliness and fire
grayed together by empty confusion

But now here's the next big thing
after years of fog as my companion
a lone bright star sets time a-sway
and I quake in fear of her beauty

Do I love this star for her light
or simply because she is not fog?
I have no deep longing to trade
a prison of fog for one of light.

(comment on this)

Monday, December 18th, 2006
12:16 am - Gandalf the White
"I will not say do not weep; for not all tears are an evil."

(comment on this)

Monday, December 11th, 2006
3:06 am - My brother is married!
It's official: my brother is married!

Pictures to come. Until then, a picture of both my sides... the Irish in me drinks and the Spanish in me dances and sings...

(15 comments | comment on this)

Monday, December 4th, 2006
5:28 am - I've Seen It All
I've seen it all, I have seen the trees,
I've seen the willow leaves dancing in the breeze
I've seen a friend killed by a friend,
And lives that were over before they were spent.
I've seen what I was - I know what I'll be
I've seen it all - there is no more to see!

You haven't seen elephants, kings or Peru!
I'm happy to say I had better to do
What about China? Have you seen the Great Wall?
All walls are great, if the roof doesn't fall!

And the man you will marry?
The home you will share?
To be honest, I really don't care...

You've never been to Niagara Falls?
I have seen water, its water, that's all...
The Eiffel Tower, the Empire State?
My pulse was as high on my very first date!
Your grandson's hand as he plays with your hair?
To be honest, I really don't care...

I've seen it all, I've seen the dark
I've seen the brightness in one little spark.
I've seen what I chose and I've seen what I need,
And that is enough, to want more would be greed.
I've seen what I was and I know what I'll be
I've seen it all - there is no more to see!

You've seen it all and all you have seen
You can always review on your own little screen
The light and the dark, the big and the small
Just keep in mind - you need no more at all
You've seen what you were and know what you'll be
You've seen it all - there is no more to see!

(comment on this)

Friday, December 1st, 2006
11:48 pm
I am at my computer desk, sitting here with a glass of wine; another feeling of needing to sit here and write something. No idea what to write.

I sit here too much. I stay home too much. But I have no clue what else there is to do, and I have the feeling that I'd like going out even less than staying here. But it's a pretty binary domain space, isn't it? You either go out or you stay home. I think it's time for me to start looking into martial arts schools.

Martial Arts have always been a strange concept for me. Here I am, a pacifist, drawn to the study of violent self-defense. In heaven, I'm sure there's no violence (or beer, as the song goes). But this is Earth, a place that has evil and darkness. I think that if the choice were forced upon me, I would defend friends and loved ones. And that's just because I live on Earth, and not in heaven. It seems selfish that people I love should suffer for my beliefs, especially if they do not share them. But, I'd like to think that if it were just me in danger that I would not fight back.

My best and oldest friend came home from Iraq carrying the pain of a world embroiled in suffering and in shadow. I don't know for sure, but I have the suspicion that he was made to bear witness to things so far from light and love that he struggles to believe that they exist, or at least that they suffice to heal the horror hiding in humanity's hatred. He once posted something in his myspace that I still think about. Essentially, it was a “why you sometimes have to fight back” chain-letter sort of thing.

Imagine that you’re talking to a friend that doesn’t believe in war, or fighting, or violence. As they’re explaining why they don’t believe in it, punch them in the face. When they get up, pissed off, ask them, “How do you feel about fighting back now?” Continue to punch them in the face until they realize that you are not going to stop until they hit you back. It’s a clever argument, but I don’t think it’ll produce the result that’s intended.

I love my best friend a lot. He is one of the very few people that I would trust with my life, and not think twice. And I’d like to think that if he, or anyone else, hated me so badly that I deserved to be punched in the face that I would continue to get up until 1) the hatred abated or, 2) I could no longer get up. And I think, too, that there’s an upper limit to the times a human being can cause harm to someone who continues to stand up, but will not fight back. Unless you’re not a human being, there has to come a point when you realize that you’re the monster, not the person you’ve been beating.

Now, more than ever, there seems to be a gap between what is right, and what is realistic. There are a lot of things we can point to: lack of education, wealth disparity, religious beliefs, culture, past history, etc. There’s a lot of disagreement on what is “right”, and I’m among the guilty who sometimes think they always know what “right” is.

The truth is that I don’t always know what “right” is. The truth is that I don’t know what answer I can make to lack of education, wealth disparity, or religious divide. But I think that until we’ve discovered the answers, and until we’ve discovered what is “right”, certainly it must be wiser to love than to loathe?

From the Wikipedia entry for Gandhi’s nonviolence:
Gandhi explains his philosophy and way of life in his autobiography The Story of My Experiments with Truth. He was quoted as saying:

"When I despair, I remember that all through history the way of truth and love has always won. There have been tyrants and murderers and for a time they seem invincible, but in the end, they always fall — think of it, always."

"What difference does it make to the dead, the orphans, and the homeless, whether the mad destruction is wrought under the name of totalitarianism or the holy name of liberty and democracy?"

"An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind."

"There are many causes that I am prepared to die for but no causes that I am prepared to kill for."

In applying these principles, Gandhi did not balk from taking them to their most logical extremes. In 1940, when invasion of the British Isles by Nazi Germany looked imminent, Gandhi offered the following advice to the British people (Non-Violence in Peace and War):

"I would like you to lay down the arms you have as being useless for saving you or humanity. You will invite Herr Hitler and Signor Mussolini to take what they want of the countries you call your possessions.... If these gentlemen choose to occupy your homes, you will vacate them. If they do not give you free passage out, you will allow yourselves, man, woman, and child, to be slaughtered, but you will refuse to owe allegiance to them."

However, Gandhi was aware that this level of nonviolence required incredible faith and courage, which he realized not everyone possessed. He therefore advised that everyone need not keep to nonviolence, especially if it was used as a cover for cowardice:

"I do believe that where there is only a choice between cowardice and violence, I would advise violence."

"At every meeting I repeated the warning that unless they felt that in non-violence they had come into possession of a force infinitely superior to the one they had and in the use of which they were adept, they should have nothing to do with non-violence and resume the arms they possessed before. … Their bravery consisted not in being good marksmen but in defying death and being ever ready to bare their breasts to the bullets."

(2 comments | comment on this)

Friday, November 24th, 2006
8:48 am
Everything changes.

I really don't know what to say here. I sat down in front of the computer and felt that I should update my journal. I have no idea what I'm supposed to say, but I'm learning to trust my instincts. Maybe that's my update. What you're seeing here is free-writing, which is not something I ever do. My writing, and in fact many things in my life, are so controlled. It takes me a painfully long time to write anything because I'm a perfectionist. It takes me a long time to make a decision because... I'm a perfectionist.

But I am not perfect. I am not even close to perfect, so that sometimes means that I end up in stalemate: I want it to be perfect, but it's just not an option. I find myself constantly at war with what is Right and what is possible. For example, is my current apartment good enough? Or should I still be looking? I want to live close enough to work to avoid major traffic, but at the same time be in the middle of old town Alexandria. Oh, and I'd like it to not cost much. I see myself staying in the area for a long while, so being happy with where I live is important, but what is, 'good enough'? See how this train of thought gets boring?

The truth is, I'm not all that logical. At heart, I'm an idealistic, emotional, romantic. I'm always mixed up in what decisions I should make logically, and which I should make with my heart. Of course, if I should decide that where I live is a logical choice, how do I know that the factors I weigh are entirely logical? I don't. Perhaps it's neither possible nor practical to make choices completely one way or the other, but to make them as a whole human, with emotion and logic combined. I feel as though it's easy for most people, but it's extremely difficult for me.

I think that I'm learning that the feeling of 'having control' is an illusion. What I want to say here is that I'm learning to trust in God and to believe that He is controlling my life. But that's always sounded to me like an excuse for shirking responsibility. It also sounds like being a puppet with no free will. There's obviously a common ground, but I don't know what it is. It seems clear that God loves me and has a plan for me -- but that it is up to me to discern and follow it.

Recently, a number of things have been happening in my life that I haven't really told anyone about. I don't want to talk about them, but I want to tell you the end result: I believe that I am becoming a true Christian. I don't really go to church. I never really read the bible. I never had any sort of education about God. Nonetheless, I've always believed that God existed. I don't know why or how this is happening now, but I feel -- so strongly -- that God is gently shaking my shoulder, telling me that it's time to wake up because there is work to be done. What work that might be, I don't know.

I think my biggest fear is that I am making these things happen out of my desire for them to happen. I've always wanted God to just tell me what to do. Just come and show me that You really exist so that I can be sure that I'm not crazy and/or deceived and then tell me what You want me to do. The last thing I ever want is to be like the insane ultraconservative Christians that claim to be acting out God's will but contradict nearly every teaching Jesus gave us. But proof sort of defeats the purpose of faith, doesn't it? And to be honest, what miracle am I looking for that is greater than the miracle of Jesus Christ? Jesus actually lived; he actually did walk upon this Earth. I ask for signs, but I have no idea what I'm looking for. And I'm afraid of signs too. If God ever proved to me that he existed, what would be my fate when I honestly try to do His will and fail? Or what if I am given proof and then I still fail to have faith? I should be careful in what I wish for, I think. We all want proof, I think -- but the cost is... my soul.

I've often heard the term "born again Christian". I've often met people who claimed to be born again Christians. I've read the Gospels, and understand the technical need to be "born again." The purity of being "born again" appeals to my inherent perfectionism but my desire to be something I cannot be gives me pause.

Listen, this post is extremely painful and I will likely regret that I posted it tomorrow morning, and then feel guilt that I should regret posting something about God. The long and short of it is that I am now at the point where the only thing that could be done to make me more sure in God is if He proved it to me, and I don't think I want that anymore. Mostly, I just want the wisdom to understand the signs that I have faith He has been sending me all along.

So I guess the reason I felt drawn to update my livejournal was to tell the world that Jesus Christ is our Lord and Savior. And to ask why that has only made me feel small, stupid, and most of all afraid -- not loved, like I imagined it would.

(2 comments | comment on this)

Sunday, November 12th, 2006
1:22 am


(1 comment | comment on this)

Thursday, November 9th, 2006
9:34 pm - I'd have switched long ago if...
I knew Apple had this option!


(1 comment | comment on this)

Wednesday, November 8th, 2006
1:46 am - Cat Humor
http://nodwick.humor.gamespy.com/cats/cats.htm

(1 comment | comment on this)


> previous 20 entries
> top of page
LiveJournal.com